Motherless Daughter

For me each decade that has passed solidified conditions of loneliness and sadness, that I could not understand until this year. I honestly think I have been grieving the loss of my grandmother, my mother and my two aunts who were part of my immediate family, for most of my adult life. However, I remember what made these women in my family so special. I remembered our family values, particularly a true deep love of being a woman, because I was surrounded by them. It seemed as a young child I was always nurtured, groomed and praised every day for being a girl. For being myself and having an aesthetic and love of my own culture, my own gender and my own ethnicity.

Over the years I needed this pride of confidence, that has been such an important dimension of my human development, that I have never forgotten. And I am so grateful that I never abandoned the values and spirituality of my foremothers. I am certain that had I never reflected on many of the memories I had I would have been killed (by abusers and abusive situations), or dead from overdose a long time ago. All of the women in my family were mothers of the church. And although I am a Buddhist today, I learned so much about womanhood, virtue and inherited a solid form of discipline, confidence, patience and endless hope despite facing and overcoming many struggles by myself, because of my praying family of women. If not for the women in my family I never would have survived to this day.

Although I miss them still, the pain is not unbearable anymore. My illnesses made me miss them so much. More than ever. But fighting for my life, I felt I was supported somehow through the veil of death that separated me from them. Life has not been fair. But somehow, my mothers have been faithful to me. There have been some unforgettable–fortunate things that have happened and occurred from time to time that reminded me I am still loved by each one of my foremothers, aunts and uncles who have passed away. Little things only I and sometimes my children recognized. And I keep looking for them. Because I know there is more to come. So I have to keep living, and never give up even though my circumstances have been rough.

So Lastly, my dear motherless daughter, I encourage you to look for those little things, too. I hope these special nuances of hope appear when you are in need, days when you are terribly lonely or sad and often in the smiles of your children as they grow up. I hope these strokes of fortune come on quiet days to help you get through the noises and silences in your life, to give you hope. And it may be true that you will never stop grieving. But eventually, take it from me–it does get better. Like I said, I may have experienced intense pain from grief and depression for all of my adult life until this year. But deep down I always hoped the pain would ease. I hoped I could stop myself from crying so much or at least shorten the cycles of pain a few days more, a few weeks more or get through months of the pain I endured from being sad and feeling so hurt because I felt so alone (and nobody cared about my life). And finally the the pain has lessened.

My pain has subsided so much alongside my healing from this last medical crisis. And I am so glad to be here. Living life as my mother’s daughter should and becoming even more the apple of grandmother’s eye because I have taken care of their little girl, and raising my own boys to men. And I have worked hard to better myself for nearly a decade, to soon become the first woman earning a Ph.D among women in my family. They would be so proud of me. I grew up to be a grown woman who still is able to look forward to a bright future despite so many setbacks. I no longer feel slighted for losing those I loved so long ago during the days of my youth, because I still feel loved by them right now. These days, after all I have been through…even the memory of their love is all I need.

Best of hopes and wishes to you and your children.